I am disinclined to acquiese to your request

I want to applaud former President Bill Clinton for his recent trip to North Korea to negotiate the release of the imprisoned journalists. Some of us are born diplomats and some of us aren't. I noticed we did not send GW Bush. And they did not send me.

In my youth I used to do anything (often self-destructive) to a avoid a fight or not burn a bridge. I listened to a relative, a visitor in my own home, call me insane and crazy and held my tongue. I later quietly suggested to his wife they might cut their visit short or find another place to stay. But there was no yelling and hitting on my part at that time. Or most if not all of the hundred other times I suffered his verbal abuse.

Somewhere in my thirties it dawned on me that holding my tongue was directing a lot of anger that belonged elsewhere back at me. I was chronically depressed, had a problem with alcohol, and liked to toy around with suicide attempts. I say toy around because the major criteria for any attempt at suicide was to not leave a mess someone else would have to clean up. Then I began cleaning up my act. I learned to say no and enough. I stopped saying I was sorry and told people it was not my fault.

I am no longer chronically depressed. But a consequence of telling people where they could get off with unacceptable behavior is I have not talked to my brother in twenty years. (See earlier paragraph about relative.) I have not missed the chronically abusive relationship at all. But lately I have been in contact with his son (who is also not talking to him) and his daughter who is. Via e-mail she gave me her dad's telephone numbers and said he would like to talk to me and urged me to call HIM.

I am disinclined to acquiesce to this request. And karma be damned. I am totally happy with my life just the way it is. Now should he call and apologize I will accept it. But I doubt we have a future relationship unless he has undergone a sea change in spite of what today's horoscope claims. I have moved on and I don't need him to approve or disapprove.

BTW one response to karma can be that you are not going to go through a lifetime with that person ever again.

Comments

  1. The Blog of BeeAugust 6, 2009 at 12:43 PM

    Fascinating reading Jacqui.

    I so agree. I grew up in much the same way - never saying no and this was as a result of my mother constantly telling me not to show my displeasure and the nuns telling me to put everyone before myself. Saying 'yes' when I should most definitely have said 'no', many times in my late teens and early twenties got me into trouble. Looking back it could have been worse but even now, I don't like to think about it and some of the hurt I probably ultimately caused others as a result of not being able to say 'no' when i should.

    Then in my thirties, I woke up much to my mother's surprise. She could not understand how I could do a complete turn around. She used to say that 'fore the sake of peace', I should keep my mouth shut. that made me worse! I was no longer prepared either, to keep my opinions to myself. It did cause some upheaval but I stuck to my guns. These days when I find myself reverting to type, I give myself a reminder of how it used to be and how much better it is now - although I am not one for confrontation unless pushed against a wall.

    My days of 'trying to please' everyone are long gone. that is not to say that I am inconsiderate of any one's feelings. I am just more honest and if someone wants me to do something that I don't want to do, I say 'no' whereas at one time, i would have said 'yes', killed myself to do it and hated myself into the bargain.

    Age brings reason and I am comfortable in my skin.

    If it is that your brother really wants to reconnect (and you don't know at this stage if that is his wish or his daughter's) he will come to you. You know better than to go down a path that may well lead to destruction. I'm always suspicious when there is a third part involved. Better left well alone unless he makes a move and even then, at a distance. Blood is not always thicker than water.

    ReplyDelete
  2. JacquizAugust 6, 2009 at 4:20 PM

    I would say this is why you are such a great Artist Jacqui..a wonderful gift you have.

    Isn't it funny how sometimes we perceive someone..to me you seem to be a very smart lady,one who is completely at ease with herself,and it is hard to think of you any other way. Re your brother,I probably would give your nephew your phone number and then leave it in your brothers hand,if he wants to call,allow him,you are a much stronger lady now Jacqui,and so this time you keep the upper hand,do you understand what I mean,I probably not explaining myself as I want to,I would look on your brother as being pathetic for being how he was,maybe he has changed,I would give him that benefit,I have a similar story with my older sister,she constantly bossed me all my life,she is loud and bossy,and yet she has a heart of gold if you were in need,I since my being over here I only made contact for the first year,her poor husband is nagged to death,and really it is so sad,she has lost me..her sister,even her own daughter told me she wished I was her mother,my sister would never admit she had a problem..it was everyone else not her!! I think eventually you will meet your brother again,why don't you arrange it with your young sister,the 3 of you together,even just to call a truce.

    Bobby wants me to call my sister and tell her the reason WHY I have ceased to keep intouch with her,and for me to be strong if she starts hooning in on me,,must be this Gemini in us.

    ReplyDelete
  3. JBinford-BellAugust 7, 2009 at 7:22 AM

    This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  4. The Blog of BeeAugust 7, 2009 at 12:21 PM

    This is sad but is something that was bound to happen given the crap your brother has fed his daughter. He would not want to be seen as 'the bad one'. You have done fine for 20 years - or rather worked through it so let them not spoil your next twenty. How does your sister feel about this?

    ReplyDelete
  5. AnonymousAugust 8, 2009 at 12:32 AM

    I am still learning this speaking your truth business but I am much better than I was a few yaers ago so there is hope for me yet. I have also lost some friends along the way, and it has also been suggested to me that I should be the one to get back in touch with ex friends and initiate peace talks. I wont do it - I don't see why I should be the one to make the running when other, less considerate, unloyal and unreasonable types sit on their lazy arses and never pick up the phone.

    It's a pity that you could not have had a more loving brother but I can quite understand why you did not acquiesce to your niece's request.

    BTW it was so nice to see those 2 reporters return home

    ReplyDelete
  6. AnonymousJuly 8, 2018 at 6:34 AM

    Hi there all, here every person is sharing these familiarity, so it's fastidious to read this weblog, and I used to visit
    this blog all the time.

    ReplyDelete
  7. AnonymousDecember 30, 2018 at 1:18 PM

    I treasure the information on your web sites. Thank you so much.

    ReplyDelete
  8. AnonymousJanuary 8, 2019 at 1:21 AM

    say thanks to so considerably for your internet site it assists a lot.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

I write for me but I care what my readers think. Please be polite and no scamming.

Popular posts from this blog

Swimming

Image
For much of my college career my fitness workout was swimming on the B squad of the swim team. I remember it as the days before heated pools and women coaches. I also remember being so exhausted and cold I could only lean against the shower wall and throw up. Not exactly warm fuzzy images but I was in awesome shape. Needless to say it did not leave me with a overpowering desire to swim laps. Point of fact for years my swimming became really informal: Swimming to shore after the canoe tipped over, challenging my sister once a summer to across the lake and back, seeing how long I could back float without moving a muscle, and a scuba course. I also played around with other ways of staying fit: aerobics, bicycling, jogging, skiing and dance classes. All of which seem to be bad for the knees, back or feet. After my ski accident my physical therapist steered me back to the pool. Damn if I was going to swim laps! However, aqua fit was just getting rather seriously taken so I took it. It r
Read more

The Pruning the Crown of Thorns

Image
Crown of Thorns Before I am a lover of Euphorbias . They are from the deserts of Southern Africa and Madagascar. They have evolved physical characteristics and forms similar to cacti of North and South America and are often incorrectly referred to as cacti. My big Crown of Thorns was one of my first of a growing collection of these succulents from the spurge family of Euphorbiaceae. I picked it up as a 6 inch plant in a New Iberia nursery when my sister and I were touring the northern gulf coast. I believe that was 15 years ago. I made an attempt at limiting its height a few years back to allow it to devote more energy to the new branches and make it a denser plant. That failed. And the height of the plant continued to challenge the window space and soon the long branches were leaning over and leaning against the window. I googled and found the proper way to prune this treasured plant. Still it was very difficult to cut off the four longer branches. Even with a plan. The f
Read more

Eagle Nest Dam

Image
Tour of Eagle Nest Dam Eagle Nest Dam is the largest privately built dam in the United States. It was begun by the Springer family in 1917 and completed in 1920. It and the reservoir beyond it one was privately owned by the CS Ranch which recently sold it to the state of New Mexico. Eagle Nest Lake is now a state park, but the dam and the waters in the lake are another matter all together. Water is well regulated in New Mexico especially during a drought. The lake is now at 25% of its normal capacity, and the water in the lake are water right lease holds of Raton, Cimarron, and historic ranches in the area like the UU Bar and the CS Ranch. Game and Fish department also get involved because the Cimarron River is an active fishery of the state. Our guide was a state engineer and the Gateway Museum secured permission of the land owners below the dam for us to gain access to the area. Some 100 locals and tourists attended this rare event. I have lived here almost twenty years and th
Read more