I Have Always Been a Brat



Mother knew that from the day I was born. I clearly did not want to be here and my early years did little to change that attitude. I have become better at reining in the inner brat. More accepting of life on earth. And generally all goes well until I don't feel good. I have no patience with being sick. I do not suffer limitations joyfully. I am always in negotiations.

I have always been production oriented. I came from a highly competitive family and I could compete by producing drawings and paintings and making sandcastles. I couldn't beat my brother at games because he cheated so I decided not to play. When forced to stay home because I was sick I was angry. I became quite creative at what I could do from forced bed rest or when Mother mandated a nap. I never napped. But mother never ceded that battleground.

Friday when I began to feel sick I refused to give up. I had things to do and a schedule I had set for myself and damn I was going to do it. But as the day wore on I could feel myself struggling more with my human form. But I had a giclee print to box and ship, three Borzoi  to feed, an exhibit on Saturday to prepare for.

As I went up and down stairs looking for all the pieces and parts it dawned on me that the three hour display required as much stuff as a three day fair.  And so began the negotiations. What could I not load in the pickup? What was upstairs I did not have to climb up yet again to get. Friday staring at the assemblage of stuff in the studio, stuff that had to go to the pickup, and then out of the pickup and then back in the pickup, and out of the pickup and back up to the box room upstairs it hit me I did not feel well enough to do this. My throat was seriously sore. I climbed the stairs one more time and collapsed for 9 hours.

Nine hours of sleep is a good indicator I am sick. And youth was no longer in my tool kit to tap into. I caved. I am never a happy camper when I have to cede defeat.

My throat feels better after a day of hot tea and forced rest but I am aware I have a throat. So best to take one more day off from the schedule I set for myself. All the shit dragged from upstairs has to go back upstairs at some point. But the fact I am sitting at my computer bundled in two fleece throws and an afghan says I shouldn't try to do too much too soon.

But I will not nap. 

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