Waiting to Exhale

Seems like just yesterday when I was waiting for it to be 2011 as if it was a magic charm that would make all things better. Now here it is the middle of May and I am still holding my breath waiting for the other shoe to fall.

Yesterday was one of those absolutely delightful spring days here in the mountains and I decided to dare to plant the cold crops in my two raised beds. The black plastic over them all winter had worked and they were weed free so with very little prep I got in the garlic, onions, radishes, carrots, spinach and four different types of leaf lettuce. I had lunch on the studio stoop between spurts of re-potting my squash seedlings which won't go out to the hot bed till June. And I worked on preparing the hot bed.


I know it isn't June yet but I am testing the water jugs. The theory is they get hot during the day and hold the heat at night. Before I put the bags of potting soil between them, and plant my precious squash seedlings and install the plastic cover I want to know if this will prevent them from freezing.

Seems I want to know a lot. I want to know if I will have another tooth that has to be pulled or if the van is truly fixed for a long while or if it will be a good art fair season or if the judge will die before rendering a verdict in my contractor from hell case. I seem stuck in the middle afraid to even finish the triptych I am working on - afraid the magic is gone.

A year ago my sister and her husband and I were in Moab exploring all the back country and national parks with our cameras. On Mother's day Debbie's daughter called to wish her step father a happy father's day because she had found the perfect song to send him and couldn't wait. It is one of those moments among many that seem to be frozen in time. Not a Kodak moment that you could take a picture of but still forever etched in your memory. It is a good thing Mary didn't wait because before May ended Alan would be gone.

Winter depression is over. I think the snows have pasted but then out of the blue another closes in. June is going to be a very busy month and a lot has to be done in the yard and the studio in preparation of it and July. Make hay while the sun shines. Yesterday was a great day full of positive energy so why did I wake at four a.m. with that feeling of impending doom? Why am I holding my breath?

Even when exercising! So I decided to get back to yoga and Tai Chi. Any exercise I don't have to count reps with. Kettle ball works if done freely. I am trying to not even time my workouts. No clock watching just movement till I am tired. No set routines because the goal they say now is to confuse your muscles. Dance. Even Sufi dance. Move. Keep on moving.

And breath. Just breath. Stop waiting for something to happen.

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