Monday, October 27, 2014

Confession Time

Dream Home?

I love living where I live. I love living alone. I am a true introvert and really have few close friends. Most of them live someplace else. And that is mostly fine. I used to consider having an attached rental unit a chance for both financial and safety stability. Now I consider it and renters a liability. Renters have become plagues in recent years.

But winter is approaching and since the dreaded New Year storm of 2006/2007 I am a bit tharned about winter. Only about five occupied houses on my "block" and one of those is going to be empty all winter. She is a long term friend and I am totally pissed at her about it when I am not celebrating getting her neediness out of my field of vision. She says I am not a nice person which is why I have so few friends. She does not see that as a choice or her fault I am not nice to her currently. (note: Translation of not nice - I am not doing what she wants.)

So yesterday I drove to Las Vegas, New Mexico and fell in love with an alternative to living where I live. If I had money. If is such a big word. And I have to wonder if this live above/work below alternative in the plaza area of a historic town just isn't because winter is around the corner and I am a bit afraid of another 6 feet of snow even if it has not been 70 years since the last.

Yes, I present to the world a totally self-sufficient and together person, but sitting alone in my house with the winds whipping outside I can get into panic mode. Yesterday seemed to fuel that. As I was buy antifreeze to condition the pipes in the empty apartment, and Sta-bil for the gas machines I own it struck me all summer passed without fixing the snow blower. In fact because I was working for the neighbor who thinks I am not nice I was fixated on the money and ignoring my house and my list of things to do. I think she said I was not nice because I stacked my firewood instead of hers.

Mother raised me to be the guilty party. It is always my fault. I have spent time in therapy in an attempt to get over that. And unless it is late October and the wind is howling outside and roof panels from some distant neighbor's house are blowing by I am fine.

And I would probably go crazy living in a populated area. I do like my space. Hey, but the money to be able to do that would be nice. Selling a painting or two would make me fear less the approaching heating bills. Or my neighbor selling her house to someone I liked. Or having the perfect renter knock on my door. Or not.

3 comments:

  1. What an interesting read Lady J....everything is a compromise as I'm sure you know, but you appear to 'have some cards up your sleeve' which I wish you well playing. I found your comments on guilt interesting. I too have had therapy about the guilt feelings I carried for decades and I am pleased to say I found very beneficial. I did lose some 'friends' along the way but this happens when you lose the willingness to carry guilt any longer....Interestingly, my guilt issues related to personal relationships and never in the work place.I look forward to reading how things develop for you.

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    1. Trained as a quilt carrier for my family I fell into that role with friends. And when I started saying no or "not my fault" I did like you lose some "friends" along the way. Which of course I would feel guilty about. I think I like being alone because I do not have to worry about what story someone is going to get me to buy into and bow to their version and apologize for not seeing it in the first place.

      And yes, like you, Sir Mick, I never had those issues in the work place. It just seems to be in marriages and long term friendships. I have been on boards and president of organizations and not had those issues either. But as a landlord and neighbor and friend I can get so played.

      I think I will just turn up the music and not answer the phone. Nice to have someone who understands here.

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  2. I do believe 'like attracts like' of the good kind in the end. I am the same as both of you but it took me into my late 40s before I saw the picture. I like my space, I like my own company, and have very few friends, my choice. Live alone and can not bear the thought of anyone living with me, except my cat of course. I am happy and content and staying that way.
    Hugs.

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