Monday, October 13, 2014
That Moment of Revealed Truth
I love taking pictures of reflections in mirrors and ponds and glass. Believe it or not regardless of the close concentration and focus one very often winds up with a picture you did not realize you were taking. I think that is true with those quick snaps we take of friendships, and marriages, jobs too. We put all our focus on the obvious, in the photo above it was the wonderful job I did trimming out a very difficult door through a foot of wall sandwich not cut straight. The photo I got was a duo of me and my cat.
And when it comes to friendships and marriages and jobs we keep our eye on the positive. Keep your eye on the prize: Friends for over 30 year, married for almost 50, working for the corporation for ten. And then something happens; often something silly and seemingly unimportant and we see the image beyond the surface. September was the third anniversary of my ex-husband's death. We were friends, co-workers and lovers for 23 years. At first I just missed our talks because even after the divorce we were great friends. But this year I realized I had missed all the signs he was dying. And ergo the opportunities to say goodbye.
September is always a pivotal month for me for any number of reasons. It is the anniversary of my discovery of my biggest lie to myself. And so I am always more reflective. Conscious or not it is a month for inventories of where I am. And like standing in front of my fantastically trimmed French door I end up seeing things I was not necessarily aware of seeing. A whole set was prompted by my sister's question about documents necessary should I have a stroke tomorrow. I did have one. It may still be around but then my ex-husband/best friend was still alive, my sister still lived in the state and my longest friend who lives next door was not moving to Florida.
I find myself thinking dying alone in my house intestate is a good idea. I really do not want anyone to rescue me from near death. And I currently do not think I have any friends left who will miss me. Just want the pets to not suffer.
And it is that caring for my pets that separate me from a person I for a long time thought was a friend. But she only cares for herself. Her pets were an accessory she no longer wants. And then this month there was the friend I suddenly saw as wanting the relationship only because it allowed her to constantly prove herself right at my expense. On a positive note another friend of long standing finally saw what I saw from the very moment she took a new man into her life. Like me she has never picked a good one. She just still suffers from relationship blindness for a least a year.
Once you have seen the image beyond the dark glass or the reflection below the waves of a pond there is no unseeing. You cannot put the Genie back in the bottle so it is a matter of seeing if you can live with what you had not seen before.
It is just the beginning of winter so a long time to think about it or not.