Saturday, November 13, 2010
Memories come Tiptoeing
I loved our morning talks. And it is in the morning I miss him most. I miss his mind. And the wonderful hodgepodge of esoteric subjects we would discuss. Dawn and coffee and talk of politics and history and philosophy. A dear friend of ours, who visited our home frequently, once said we were the only couple she knew that considered debate foreplay. Intelligence has always been a turn on for me. And men that are willing to consider I am their intellectual equal I find very attractive.
Mother used to tell me I would regret being intelligent. I really haven't, Mom, wherever you are. But I definitely miss those individuals where there has been a wonderful synergistic meeting of minds. I would not identify my grief as a broken heart because he left this world loving me and me him. But sometimes I feel as if I have lost half my mind. And the silliest little things can bombard me from the far corners. This morning it was wanting to share a random thought and knowing he would not be calling in.
I don't know that this will go away soon. Mom died more than two decades ago and the silliest little things can bring her to mind like yesterday; looking for her recipe for fudge, shopping for bargains, her spaghetti sauce I still make religiously, not knowing the name of a flower and wanting to call and ask. Dad died before her and he has become more gentle on my mind but I don't think I will ever enter a hardware store without sensing him beside me, or see a swallow and think of him and his Purple Martins. Mom and I discussed the varieties of life when I would call perplexed. Dad and I would share the lessons of life over dinner out or working in his wood shop creating another treasure.
My question this morning is why one random thought while pouring coffee begins this cascade failure of composure, and sends me into a Niagara of tears for all of those wondrous minds that I have lost? I don't know that I understand grief or life and death. And the people I would once have had those discussions with will not call this morning. Nor can I call them.