Thursday, October 21, 2010

Saying Goodbye

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Beginning of the end of fall

In college we used to play a verbal game where we tried to decide what a particular friend was in terms of a food, or an animal, or a season. We really did have a hall mate that was lemon jello. And one of my best friends was the ferret. The trouble with that game was that the comparisons, if aptly made, stuck. And somehow I find my subconscious mind still playing the game.

Marc was fall. His birthday was the end of September when the mountains of New Mexico put on their grandest show and we traditionally rode the Cumbres and Toltec narrow gauge railroad over the mountains to see the color. Or drove up to Pagosa Springs, Colorado. I thought of both as a way of saying goodbye. His wife chose to not have a memorial service here and I am not the only one of his friends hanging in limbo. Both trips seemed to long and I could not see myself doing them alone.

Fall lingered, way longer than is normal, as if waiting for me to make a decision of how to let him go. Yesterday I had to go to the dentist in Questa, where Marc and I had lived together, and I took the camera to avoid all the memories. I hide behind my camera at times. I take it to social events where I don't really want to mingle and appoint myself instead as official photographer. Yesterday it just became a focus on all the memories. You cannot move forward until you let go of the past.

Wheeler Peak through the trees
Wheeler Peak through the Aspens
And knowing we had three days of rain in the forecast let me know I would be saying goodbye to this spectacular fall too.

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The colors of fall
And Questa except as a place where my dentist is. And a place I once lived with a man I loved but could not live with. I could say the same of Questa.

Cabresto Valley and the burn area
Cabresto Valley

1 comment:

  1. I feel for you for many reasons and have been thinking about Marc's death which you predicted. Before I even got to the bit about 'limbo' I knew that the problem was closure. I know it's early days but you do need closure.

    How about you and all those friends who are hanging in limbo organizing a memorial? You would know the sort of thing that would be appropriate for him. That wouldn't be standing on the wife's corns - she made a decision which excluded those close to him so those close to him, have every right to do something in his memory.

    Think about it and let me know what you decide. Personally I think you need, yes need to do it.

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