I want there to be stillness
Be calm even if there is no peace.
Slowly in and out.
Stop the wind
Cease the shouting.
Do not scream
I feel as if I have made a cosmic shift. I felt the same 16 years ago. Only then I was hit on the head. This time I feel as if I have been punched in the belly. Really hard. I am having trouble catching my breath.
Post traumatic stress disorder my psychologist said then. CBT said my neurologist. Acceptance kept me in balance even when everything in my life was changing. Even friends because I was no longer who I used to be. I tried to act as if I was when I went out among strangers who knew me before. At home I noticed I no longer liked Stephen King. I could only watch action films at home so I could escape to the kitchen when it got too fast. I was far more comfortable with the small screen of my computer as opposed to the panoramic screens of the movie theaters.
Slowly what was strange became normal. I knew the new me. I began revisiting Dorothy Sayers and Agatha Christie. Then embraced the mysteries set in Navajo or Ute Country written by Hillerman, or Dos or Johnson or Box. I streamed BBC creations on my computer. Disconnected from cable and satellite. Slowly embraced some American shows. On my schedule and with a pause button. I confess to muting any and all commercials.
Then came the presidential circus of 2014 to 2016. PTSD is really easy to reboot. I was warned. I confess I can no longer watch what passes for entertainment in this world I live on the edges of. The list of streamed favorites I once watched grows smaller and smaller and smaller. I don't want to have the lives of my favorite characters on the brink every episode. And I want the dialog to be spoken and not yelled.
And it is not just me. It is not just my previous condition. Life is iffy enough right now without fictional danger. There is a mad man in a golden tower with a finger on the nuclear button. Hollywood needs to bring back song and dance. A remake of Singing in the Rain might be nice. Thankfully to Netflix I am able to watch the BBC and old films like Out of Africa. Even past seasons of Midsomer Murders. How about a new Rosemary and Thyme?
Please give me quiet diversion while I contemplate the end of the world as I know it.