Sidetracked Charley

Or at least until Thursday. And I would like to, at this time, make a blanket apology to everyone I have offended this month. Oh, and perhaps I should add May into the equation. My life, and everything going on in and around it, has just been too much with none of it getting resolved fast enough for my tastes. I find myself constantly wanting to yell, "Make it march!" Or, "Stop the World. I want to get off." I don't think I am the only one feeling this pressure. I certainly know the artist community I belong to on the ethernet and here in the valley is going through many of the same feelings. I have had so many, I think I should withdraw from my first fair talks it isn't even funny. Have considered one of those voice messaging machines that has a press 1 for encouragement, press 2 for just a sympathetic voice, press 3 for practical solutions, etc. but I don't think I have any suggestions for number 3. I just keep telling myself this too will pass.

There is an assumption among a certain set that because I am self-employed I have time on my hands. Time to do their stuff. This request for assistance from others goes in spurts. I am in one of those spurts at the moment. June, July and August are very busy months in a mountain tourist town. Make hay while the sun shines as it were or at least the snow does not fly. As president of an arts council, a working artist in my own right, a gardener, a pet sitter, and a home owner the list of todo's of my own abound and time dwindles down daily. Mind you I am not opposed to helping my neighbors and friends out from time to time. It is what we do in the high country.And I may in the future need their help. But some people have no idea what they are asking. Like my artist friend with the light boxes and failing ballasts. I came up with the idea of her switching over to battery lights so there would be no cords to irritate gallery owners, a problem she had shared with me. She wants me t

 I don't care what you want and what you agree he is willing to let you have, once you say I do he won't. Men are the masters of bait and switch. My most recent ex-husband told me constantly before we were married that he loved my independence and self-reliance but his needy ex-wife got all his attention, money, and time. (And he remarried her. I was just a sandwich wife.) And believe me I fought for my rights. I had this downstairs office/studio where I wrote free lance articles and also made my masks. I posted "office hours" on the refrigerator. These were times I was to not be disturbed for anything short of a forest fire evacuation. I was NEVER in that office when he did not knock at least once for something petty. Like where I hid the clean towels in plain sight. I could say it was just Marc, but Bruce always got drunk and vanished when I needed the Suburban to go to a fair with my weaving, and John would "drop in" to corporate headquarters drunk a

Like Miss Elizabeth Swann of Pirates of the Caribbean I happen to find pirates quite attractive. I think it is genetic programming. And not just with me. Among baboons the young females leave their maternal gaytard and seek out the male juvenile delinquents of neighboring gaytards (yes, that is the name for a troop of baboons). After a riotous time and sure they are pregnant they go running back to mother. Stop me if any of this sounds familiar. The mistake us humans make, to my way of thinking, is we think we can reform that pirate with the flashing eyes and devilish smile and we marry him. My father was a pirate. But mother had help from the military and World War II and Korea in his transformation. Due to my high level of self-preservation I never got pregnant in my dalliances with pirates though I stupidly married a couple. Unlike fur kids you cannot house break them. I prefer the term self-preservation to attachment disorder. However, most trained mental professionals see sel

I was chatting over coffee with a friend about her new "relationship." What is it about people "in love" that makes them want to fix you up? And why can't they get that some of us are totally happy out-of-relationship. Point of fact I am anxious and resentful in a relationship. I have faced the fact that I have an attachment disorder . I have spent time in therapy and a lot of self-education on this. I probably am dismissive-avoidant mostly but having a few boyfriends turned stalkers in my past has put me leaning toward the fearful-avoidant model. To the point that sometimes when I meet a new man I begin back-peddling right after names are exchanged. There was this comedian who joked about his new sobriety a lot. He said he loved Alanon, which is for people addicted to people addicted to alcohol. "I love sick women," he joked, "and Alanon puts them all in one room for me." Put me in a room with 50 men and I will fall in love with the sic

It seems to have been so long since I was on a normal schedule that I am not exactly sure what it is I am trying to get back to. Today I am going to contemplate that. Yesterday included the drive over the mountain to the dentist for the new crown. I like it. And after talking to friends of my age and how much they are spending on their mouths I guess this flurry of dental attention is not all that bad. It just whacked the budget. So I am doing windshield time on my return and figuring out what money there is to pay my bill off on Wednesday and I stop by the garden shop and buy plants. This was so stupid on so many levels. One, the van was still packed with all the art fair stuff. And two, money is tighter than I want it to be. Still, here in the high country there is such a tiny window of opportunity to garden, and the impatiens I had put in the two containers by the steps don't like our cold nights. Now there are Geraniums there. And I have a third container planted and on the

All this last week I have been holding on thinking this week before me was going to be "down time." I would have at least a week to relax and muster my mental forces before preparation for the next fair. But this next week includes two dental appointments and two pet sitting gigs in the opening half. Being busy does not get you past the issues you must deal with. It just delays them all. I used to have a cat that loved it when I laid out a pattern on cloth in preparation for sewing. At the time I had no large cutting table so I laid the folding board on the floor and got down on my hands and knees to pin. Riley bided his time. Then from a far corner of the efficiency apartment took a run and leap and slid all my carefully laid out fabric and pattern into a huge rippling heap at the far end of the board. My life is looking like that at the moment. And if I don't deal with it soon it will only get worse. But what I really want to do is just sit down in a corner of my

I have always loved this Andy Warhol painting of Marilyn Monroe (also a Gemini) because without a single change of expression the colors change her Mercurial mood. Like many an actress she had mastered the "looking good" facial expressions. I can be really good at that myself. For a month now everyone has been asking me how I was. And I have been saying, "Fine. Just Busy." It wasn't like my husband had died. Mind you I have had one or two I would have cheered had they died. Sorry about that. Having my sister's husband die suddenly seemed rather removed from me so why shouldn't I be fine. If I had worked at a mainstream company I would not even have merited compassionate leave beyond attending the funeral. Maybe it is just my close tie with my sister. I can so often read her mind even when separated by states. But it dawned on me this morning that I am not "fine-just-busy." Yes, I am busy and it borders on frantic. And now the little accide

It wasn't just the broken DeWalt Compound Miter Saw that got under my skin yesterday. In fact its breaking, while a strain on the finances to fix, was a relief for the todo list. Clearly I cannot make more frames. So I began finishing artist canvases with wires to hang them, noting them down on the "new titles" list and packing them up. No, the really frustrating part of yesterday was conversations. Communications were so screwed up that I double checked to see if it was a Mercury in Retrograde period. We are safe until August 20th. The first problem dealt with trying to reach a consensus in a group I belong too. We were doing this e-mail with reply all going on most of the time. That can be such an issue because someone always just replies to the last message instead of all in the discussion. Bad enough to follow one of these threads but I had another going on Facebook messages. I know I am in trouble when I decide to clarify the issues we are discussing. Some discuss

My basic problem with being self-employed is that I work for a perfectionist boss who often sets impossible goals and ridiculous deadlines. Fortunately, or unfortunately as far as the boss is concerned, I am a Gemini and ergo often of two minds. Yesterday evening as I was working on the last of three paintings I would like to finish before this weekend - and frame - it hit me how insane my boss is. Right now, this minute, I have 13 new paintings for the fair of which seven are "significant new works" and of those three I consider major - the triptych and the two panorama paintings. I am usually totally happy with just 4 or 5 new works. Am I going to fall off the edge of the world if I do not finish these other three? And there is always the fair after this one. When I hit the bed last night I was so exhausted I fell more into a coma than slumber. So deep was my sleep that when the power went off I was only vaguely aware briefly before falling back into the void. I never

Yesterday was a friend day. It began with a round of calls from my sister and others. Then continued through a few errands to lunch. In my neck of the woods errands can be done in less than an hour. No traffic, not great distance, few shopping options. Or they can take hours because of running into friends. Yesterday was such a day. Old friends (Jack and Shirley with news they were moving back), new friends (a couple at the gallery that had questions), surprise friends (two census takers - yes, I did not mail mine in, folks), and just chatting with clerks about the new hardware store addition (long overdue) or the new clerk at the market. I was late for lunch with Jessica. But then she was too. But that was of no consequence because she was talking to Jack and Shirley. No problem with the tardy table clearing because we just stood by their table and chatted until the new waitress got around to it. Then later that evening off to a reception in the middle of a huge rain storm, ergo

It seems as if I have not paused to catch my breath since sometime in April. Even my normally quiet mornings here in blogland have been scheduled and timed and limited: So much to do and so little time to do it. And maybe just a bit afraid to stop. Everything going on that I have pushed to the back because I don't have the time for it just now will come crashing down around me. Yesterday I paused in morning chores and realized the grass needed mowed. And that I had not weed-wacked after the last mowing. Where oh where was that weed-wacker anyway let alone the charger for it. (Note: Women cannot start the conventional pull to start weed-wackers so mine is battery powered). Then it was charge it and then plant the new gooseberry bush and pansies I splurged on. See what happens when you pause to reflect? I was in the studio by 9:30 but so energy charged that sitting down to paint seemed impossible so I began working on frames - the gluing pieces of trim together part. And countin

I like playing round with the "furniture" on my computers and my blogs. In fact that was the greatest fun about Y!360. You could redesign your page infinitely and we all took the greatest pride in doing so. And we did it frequently. At least once a season. Since its demise (maybe because of our constant rearranging of the furniture) I have been stuck on platforms with only a limited amount of options - if any. Facebook and Pulse certainly offer none. Don't mention Multiply - I am never going back. So imagine my rather pleasant surprise this morning when after signing on to my dashboard here at Blogger I found they were offering a new design feature. And course I had to jump right in. First I played with a blog I don't hardly use any more. I had within the limits tweaked my other blogs to a livable level. After trying on all the clothes on the rack as it were I was ready to embark on a rearrangement of one of my main blogs. The selling point with all the new templ

A friend gave me a refrigerator magnet some years ago that reads: Denial is a God-given survival skill. I was at the time trying to be rigorously honest with myself and others to everyone's dismay. But since having the responding magnet afixed to my refrigerator door I have considered the times that denial is to be just that - a survival skill. The Sioux City United Airlines crash 20 some years ago is one such example. The pilot and his co-pilot and another United Airlines instructor ignored that they were in a no-win situation with the hydraulics out and managed to get Flight 232 to the ground with more that 2/3's of the passengers surviving. Consequently flight simulators stopped programming no-win scenarios. What StarTrek fans know as the Kobayashi Maru . There are times we really don't need to know all aspects of a situation. It is wise at times to whistle in the dark. I am in denial mode at the moment. My eyes are fixed at a set goal and I am ignoring all that det

The term compassion fatigue was one I first heard more than a decade ago. It is a term normally used to define a condition of caregivers who struggle to function in care giving environments that constantly present heart wrenching, emotional challenges. But it is now seen in those of us trying to affecting positive change in society and seeing little positive movement and coming to the realization that our mission, perceived as so vital, is elusive, if not impossible. This painful reality, coupled with first-hand knowledge of society's flagrant disregard for the safety and well being of the feeble and frail and helpless, takes its toll. Eventually, negative attitudes prevail. And what seems like chronic fatigue and indifference sets in. We shut down, turn out. How many images can you see of oil-coated pelicans dying on a once pristine beach before you just shut some part of your mind off in an effort to save a modicum of your sanity? This shut off point comes earl

My birthday is in the month of June. And I always get a bit crazy around significant days in my life. It is a time for introspection and review of the year and my life. Figured I would begin silly this year with googling other people sharing my birthday. One is Lili St. Cyr the famous burlesque dancer of the middle of the 20th century. She was creative, flamboyant and daring and someone who shares her birthday might be inspired to act a little bit more boldly in their every day life! I've done flamboyant and daring, Lili.  Another performer and dancer born on my special day was Josephine Baker.  I also share June 3rd with King George V of England and Jefferson Davis the president of the Confederate States of America. Actually ruling a country isn't for me. To keep myself humble in this regard I keep cats. Purr kids defy rule. Allen Ginsberg the beat poet of  performance art  fame also was born on June 3rd. He and Raoul Dufy pushed the limits of creativity. Ginsberg with w