Attachment Disorder - Third Verse
I don't care what you want and what you agree he is willing to let you have, once you say I do he won't. Men are the masters of bait and switch. My most recent ex-husband told me constantly before we were married that he loved my independence and self-reliance but his needy ex-wife got all his attention, money, and time. (And he remarried her. I was just a sandwich wife.)
And believe me I fought for my rights. I had this downstairs office/studio where I wrote free lance articles and also made my masks. I posted "office hours" on the refrigerator. These were times I was to not be disturbed for anything short of a forest fire evacuation. I was NEVER in that office when he did not knock at least once for something petty. Like where I hid the clean towels in plain sight.
I could say it was just Marc, but Bruce always got drunk and vanished when I needed the Suburban to go to a fair with my weaving, and John would "drop in" to corporate headquarters drunk as a skunk and require a ride home.
Men are extremely nearsighted in my experience from Dad to brother to boyfriends to husbands. They do not see further than their own wants once they are sure of you. And no this is not my blind spot. Let's just look at religion. In the Muslim faith all the women will wait on the men in the afterlife. With Mormons the reason against women divorcing and re-marrying is that they would have divided loyalties in heaven. The Catholic's burned witches at the stake because after the plague, where more women survived than men, they owned property - heaven forbid. And in the last ten years the Baptist synod decided women were always to be submissive to their husbands.
Modern man has learned to pay a certain lip service to the desires of his mate. This is in part because women no longer NEED men and they have begun to see that just maybe they have to make us want them. But most men seem to be high maintenance and low return. Just enough of the good ones exist to make hope spring eternal. Who wouldn't welcome a help mate through life - someone to do those chores you haven't the time or energy for. But beware Lowe's and Home Depot now report that up to 70% of all lawn and power tools are now sold to women. AND not as gifts for men. It is just easier to mow the lawn yourself especially when Toro has redesigned the power mower so even women can start it. NOTE: to all makers of chain saws. You have continued to ignore female users of this tool. Get wise.
Today women can buy houses without men on the loan application. You can even have their tubes tied without father's or husband's permission (something I fought for in the early 70's), and you can go out to eat or to a movie alone. Even carry a hand gun! Or, and this is one of my favorites, buy sports clothing designed for women! Yes, we hunt and fish!
And more and more women are choosing to not be attached to a man. Unless he is rich beyond your wildest dreams there is not much of an upside to love, honor and obey in this day and age. What the mental health community calls attachment disorder is becoming closer to the norm. What is increasingly out of the normal range are those women that MUST have a man in their lives regardless of the cost.
As I've read these three treatises, I have compared your experiences - and thus point of view - to my own. Certainly I have been married and divorced - twice. But I was never left feeling that I didn't want any man in my life. One major factor, of course, is the type of men we seek out. A co-worker of mine sent this link to an article about what women want in a man: http://www.nzherald.co.nz/lifestyle/news/article.cfm?c_id=6&objectid=10653912
ReplyDeleteThis might apply to other women, but I can't say I've ever been all that attracted to bad boys. For one thing, even when just dating, they give you lots of clues that they will never really respect you or treat you as an equal.
After previous marriages ended, I was eventually able to establish friendly relationships with the ex's, and that was primarily for the sake of our children. But as I understood later, it was best for my own mental health as well.
I don't foresee marriage again for me at this stage of life. But that's more a matter of a desire to maintain financial independence, not to mention my own living space. But I so enjoy the company of a man, someone special in my life. They offer something different (and I'm not just talking about sex) that girlfriends don't. My life feels more well-rounded when I have that special someone in it. But it does need to be the right one.
I can understand how you would feel as you do after the experiences you have had. But that's what counts for each of us.
I believe I said in number one of this series that 1) I acknowledge I have what mental professionals consider an attachment disorder and in the second that I am attracted to entirely the wrong sort of man.
ReplyDeleteMind you I have been to counseling to "remedy" both situations. But like you have opted to be alone for financial security (boy divorces are expensive) and to have my own space. I cannot imagine me living with a man again.
However, like you I do have males in my life as well as women. I just avoid totally romantic attachments. I loathe dating especially knowing the whole experience will ultimately fail because I am not willing to give in to what they want (beyond sex).
This is by no means, Becky, a condemnation of your life.
I've beem away too long. Am coming back to this this evening.
ReplyDelete