Wednesday, June 23, 2010
I was chatting over coffee with a friend about her new "relationship." What is it about people "in love" that makes them want to fix you up? And why can't they get that some of us are totally happy out-of-relationship. Point of fact I am anxious and resentful in a relationship. I have faced the fact that I have an attachment disorder.
I have spent time in therapy and a lot of self-education on this. I probably am dismissive-avoidant mostly but having a few boyfriends turned stalkers in my past has put me leaning toward the fearful-avoidant model. To the point that sometimes when I meet a new man I begin back-peddling right after names are exchanged.
There was this comedian who joked about his new sobriety a lot. He said he loved Alanon, which is for people addicted to people addicted to alcohol. "I love sick women," he joked, "and Alanon puts them all in one room for me." Put me in a room with 50 men and I will fall in love with the sickest in seconds. Once burned (well, I won't give you numbers) twice way as they say.
Basically I am very happy out of relationship and very miserable in one. Mind you I have friends. I am a very loyal friend and have friendships going back decades. But they are all women, gay men or others with attachment disorders like mine. I am inclined to look at attachment styles as a sliding scale. I am toward one end (though not the extreme form which tends toward sociopaths) and at the other are people in relationship that seem unable to ever be out of them without becoming trembling masses of emotional jelly. That too is a disorder in my humble opinion. And I subscribe to the "woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle" theory of social connection.
"You just need to give it a try," my friend said. "There is the right man for you out there." Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, and have the bullet holes in it to prove it." And the police files on the stalkers, the loaded guns around the house, and the fear of a knock at the door or the phone ringing. Who needs that?!!!